Testimonial

So I've been avoiding this step in the Pathway to Purpose. You may have noticed a lag in time from posts. It's called procrastination and I had it big time. The next step is to write your testimonial. If you have ever tried to do this, it's definitely difficult. You have to look back on your life and figure out what happened, what changed to make you new again. But then you look at life and figure out where you stumbled and stumbled yet again. For someone like me, a laid back perfectionist, this is difficult. I don't like stumbling, however, I don't think anyone does. I don't like failing again I don't think anyone does but I do like being saved. I do like my Friend, my Comforter, my Healer, MY GOD. So He likes to use parables and stories to teach the bible. I think this is why so many encourage us to write our testimonials down. Your story could be used for the betterment (is that a word) of the Christian community as a whole. So no matter how hard it is, it's time to write down your testimonial. It's time to get it on paper so that you may use it to further the Kingdom in the future. It's time so share your life, go deep and get deeper with it. It's your story of how God became real to you and what he has done afterwards. Try it on for size and let me know how it goes.

Here's my testimonial (warning: this is a long one)

I was raised in a traditional family, mom, dad, brother, sister and me. We ate dinner together every night, we went to the small Episcopalian church in the next town, mom was a school teacher and dad was an accountant. We were the standard, suburianian, middle class family. Everyone in our family was expected to go to college, graduate with a degree and head off to get a great job. Well, I broke that mold. I went to college and thus started my partying degree. I was introduced to Tequila within the first evening of being at school and went a little crazy. Needless to say, I paid the price for this the next day and was introduced to my roommate over getting sick in the trash can. Nice huh? The next three years were pretty much a blur of activity. I partied, pledged a sorority (which I deemed the wrong sorority within a few minutes of being a member), failed at my classes, did everything you weren't supposed to do and finally got kicked out. I will never forget telling my parents that I failed. My mother was beside herself. Her words were "You will never make anything of yourself without a college degree." Those words stuck with me for life and are still affecting my life. Whenever I fail, these words come back to haunt me. Anyways, I moved out and found out that life outside of mom and dad's home was hard. I could barely make ends meet because I didn't have the courage to go after what I truly wanted to do. I sat at the VFW bar many times over crying in my cheap beer. Continuing to be a disappointment to my family.

Then I met Ed. I was set up on a blind date and he was my ticket out. Out of Ohio, away from my parents and into a life that I could create. He lived in Indiana and I moved in with him three months after we met. We were married a year later and spent the next 10 years of my life living with someone I didn't love. After the first three years, we were done, we had purchased a home, worked good jobs, had stuff, two cars and life was meaningless. We tried moving across the country, changing careers, moving closer to family, trying to enjoy life but it all seemed meaningless. The cheating started and finally we both couldn't take it anymore and decided we would be better off separate. 10 years of my life and still those words come back...You will never make something of yourself. Truly, we must always be conscious of the words we speak. I try to think of Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. But I digress. I felt like a failure yet again and turned to the only thing I did well, I drank. I spent thousands of dollars and countless hours racking up bills at bars across the nation. My tolerance level was so high nothing would make me drunk anymore. I couldn't find anything that would make me forget what a failure I was...I slept with people, drank tons, racked up debt and somehow managed to keep my job and stay away from drugs. I believe God was with me during this time too. During one of these drunk escapades, a person I met at the bar told me about this church he attends. He said come with me tomorrow. I promised so I did.

Enter Evergreen Community Church. I met my friend Bob there on a Sunday morning. We walked into a middle school auditorium and I was greeted with a big white grand piano on the stage playing At the Car Wash. I will never forget it. The music, the sheer amount of people, the songs, the laughter, the peaceful feeling. I don't know what the message was but I know that the Holy Spirit started to get a hold of my heart that day. I went every Sunday for about six months before God really go a hold of me. I was living two lives, the drinking and cavorting life 6 days a week and the holy, godly life 1 day a week. On Sundays, I wouldn't drink once I started going to church. I would go to the bar, order coffee and just socialize. That was the beginning of the change in me. Then October 28, 2002, I woke up with the feeling like I couldn't breathe, with the feeling like I was living wrong, with a sick feeling not from drinking but in my soul. That was the day I really heard the message at Evergreen. That was the day I was saved. God changed my heart and my life. I stopped excessive drinking and smoking on that day and never turned back to it. I started to really live my life for God, with him at the helm. And truly my life started.

Since that day, God has worked amazing things in my life. He has shown me that He is the sole leader of everything I do. All I have to do is ask and the door will be opened for me. He has shown me love and used everything I went through for His glory. I joined a group called Tapestry, it was for women going through divorce or separation. From this group I was able to rid myself of my guilt over my divorce and turn it into something good helping children get through divorce (DC4K leader). I participated in many bible studies to learn about my God and how gracious and forgiving He can be. Each of these studies have shed another layer of my hurt, guilt and sadness away. He showed me that giving is better than receiving and that living a simple life is a great way to be successful. He taught me how to be a good steward of the blessings he has bestowed upon me. When I was saved, I was 60K in debt. Currently I have reduced that to 20K and will be debt free soon enough. He has shown me that growing and giving away my heart is the way to being a good steward of love and he has given me the love of my life here on earth with Robb. He has shown me that commitment is hard but worth it every time. And most of all He has shown me that I am somebody even without a college degree. Those words still come back to haunt me from time to time, but I now know that I can turn to God and feel His loving arms around me, comforting me and holding me.

I am truly amazed by God and all He gives me each and everyday. I thank Him for the blessings and the love. He has brought my family back to me, gave me a new life and washed me clean to start over again. He is the most amazing friend I have ever had and will ever have. I'm so very thankful that He brought me into His family and adopted this crazy, stained person as His daughter.

Leave Your Past Behind Part 2

Okay, we have written about our past and the negative thinking...we have given ourselves one day to wallow in the immensity of our sadness and grief. You may need another day or two but I think I'm done...and now it's time to give it all over to God.

Dear Heavenly Father, please help me to rid myself of these negative thoughts. Please help me to understand that I am a masterpiece created by you and for you. That everything that has happened to me has happened with your great and powerful hand covering it knowing that you alone can pull me out of these negative thoughts. Knowing that you alone, can bring me to your peace and guidance. Lord, whenever these thoughts come back into my head, and I know they will over and over, please help me to realize that I just need to turn them over to you and you will wash them away until I fully believe they are gone. Lord, help me to know your purpose for my life and follow your guidance with all I have, am and will be.

Our next step to leaving the past behind is to recall a time that healing occurred in your life. When I think about this I think about how God blessed me over and over with kind and thoughtful people when I was going through my divorce. From the time I set foot in Evergreen Community Church, I found a support group that would be there for me always. I know, even 8 years later, that I could call upon any of the women in my DivorceCare group and they would set down their work to listen to me. God used everyone from this group to heal the wounds of my divorce and to show me that it was that hardship that caused me to gain my life back. So Kathy, Faye, Rachael, Cindy and Dawn, thank you for your support and letting God use you to guide me back into LIFE. With this group of women I was able to listen, learn, laugh, love and enjoy again. They taught me that I am a masterpiece of God's creation and no matter what happened in the past, this is the future He planned for me. In this group I gained my life verse, "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." Jeremiah 29. 11. This was my time of healing.

What was your time of healing? What helped to guide you along your path to God? What did it feel like?

Unpacking the Past - Write down memories

Starting with a prayer ~

Lord, help to remember the pain in a way that is useful to others and not derrogatory to anyone involved. Lord, help me to remember that everything was done out of love and encouragement not evil in anyway. Lord, give me words to descibe my feelings in a way that is kind and generous.

Okay, unpacking the past part 2...the mission is to write about your pain. There are things in your past that have thrown you off course these are the things we need to unpack, they may be painful or prideful. They are anything you recall that has negative connotations and you replay in your mind.

For me, there are a few moments in my history that come to mind and are replayed in my head, time and time again. As I graduated from high school, I was so glad to be done with school but didn't have the courage to let my parents know that I didn't want to go to college. So I went. To this day I regret not standing up for myself and it shows in so many parts of my life. I don't like to study, I don't like to be told what to do, I don't like doing something that seems inane when I really want to make a difference. So school isn't my forte, however, I found myself at college trying to figure out life. Three years of school had me figure out how to deal with hangovers, how to just get by on my grades to stay there and how to sleep with no regard to time. When my final report card came in stating that I would have to attend summer school to stay in school, my mother went crazy. She was crying and so upset but here are the words that I will never forget..."You will never make anything of yourself without a college degree." These 11 words play back for me over and over again everytime I make a decision that doesn't go as planned.

The second moment in my life that I play is that moment when I found out my husband of 5 years cheated on me. I was at the computer, back when they were new, and an IM popped up from his girlfriend. When I told her who I was, she emitted shock and sorrow. We planned to "get" my husband but in the end I couldn't trap him that way and we had a conversation. He promised never again but 5 years later, same old story. This was a sad day for me and I found that I was second fiddle in his life. Trust went out the window and I thought why am I so guilable and stupid. I'm an idiot to think he would change. This was one of the lowest moments in my life because I had made a decision and trusted and this was the result...not good.

So now the thoughts going through my mind were I won't make anything of myself and I make stupid decisions. I told myself this over and over during my drunken escapades over the next two years. I spend a ton of money and time in a bar, made "friends" there and used my body as a weapon in many cases. I made crazy, stupid mistakes, over and over and over again. With the negative thoughts going through my head, I ended up alone, with chest pains and bill collectors calling me. It was the lowest point in my life and all I could think about was my mother was right, I will amount to nothing.

Then I found Evergreen, God and my life changed. I was able to find someone who will always be there for me and who will always love me. I didn't have to finish college, be out of debt or make all the right choices, my God was there no matter what, it's a promise...He says, "I will never leave or forsake you." He will forgive and forget everything. He will wash away all I have done and start me with a clean slate. Now I just need for Him to take away these negative thoughts that pervade my mind and help me to achieve the pathway to purpose he has set out for me to follow.

What about you? What negative thoughts do you need to set free and give to God? How many times have you done this and how many more are you willing to do it so you can achieve God's glory through your life?

Leaving Your Past Behind

Chapter 2 is all about forgetting your past. Philippians 3:13 starts with Forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead....To forget what is behind, you first have to acknowledge it, then forgive/ask for forgiveness and then forget. A pastor once told me that forgiveness doesn't constitute forgetting. I don't know if I agree, if you haven't forgotten won't it come up in emotional moments when you least expect the reaction. What I mean is if you don't forgive and forget about it then when you disagree with someone there is a chance that the devil will bring it up in a fight and then you are fighting unfairly. So one must acknowledge the transgression and Pray, Pray hard that God will take it out of your mind so you can truly forgive the person involved.

Today I was reading the Purpose Driven Life daily devotional and here is an excerpt on forgiveness:

For your own sake, let go of the past. If somebody hurt you, let go of it, release them. That's one of the values of prayer. It helps you unload. Forgiveness is the only way to get rid of the past. Forgive them and let it go. Get on with life. Forgiveness erases the videotape of that hurt memory that keeps playing over and over in your mind.
In my own marriage, the times I've felt closest to Kay, the times of most intimacy and oneness, have been times after a major blow up. We've worked the thing through, we've both confessed to each other and asked forgiveness, and then we pray together. The oneness that comes out of that kind of experience just can't be explained.
When we let go of our hurts and forgive others, we are reflecting the grace of our heavenly Father who forgave us and continues to forgive us. It means we've given God our love; we've given God our lives, and, in doing that, we worship God.

Even Pastor Warren has to remember how to forgive and forget in Christ. Let go and forget so you can be ready for what Christ has for your purpose in life.

There are many parts to this chapter so I think it will take a few days. Things you should start to think about in this unpacking of your life...what are the pains in your life? what are the tapes going on in your head? what are the negative thoughts and where do you surmise they originated? Tomorrow we will examine our negative thoughts and then ask God to take these away.

Peace and Blessings to you!

Pathway to Purpose Chapter 1

I have been without work since March, 2009. Now don't get me wrong, I have been super busy. When I was laid off from my job of 15 years I believed it was God telling me that the toxic environment that I was in is no longer good for my soul. I believe that God was/is telling me that I need to find His purpose for my life and live it to the fullest in the second half of my career.

Let's go back when I became an administrative assistant it was because I had no other skills. I didn't fall into this position because it was my life's dream, nope, it was because my mother told me since I didn't finish college that I would never amount to anything and I believed her. In my mother's defense, she really believes this and believes that education is the key to success. In some ways she is correct, her motivation skills may need a little work. But I digress, so administration is where I landed for my career. I began supporting a man with goals to be the next CEO of our Fortune 500 company and he did anything to get there. 12 years later he is the CEO of the company and I am no longer supporting him. About a year ago, I couldn't live in the situation anymore. I had changed. I found God and my life took a complete turnabout. Being in retail, your goal is to sell people things they want, things that are sexy but not neccessarily things they need. I stayed there for 5 years after finding God but I couldn't continue to sway people to purchase things they didn't need. I didn't feel right about encouraging debt. I sold most of my things and began a frugal lifestyle (see www.onefinancialday.blogspot.com). After supporting my boss for over 10 years, I had to make a change. However, I didn't trust God enough to change out of the company. I just changed within the company and a year later God kicked me out of the company entirely. A blessing I was totally okay with at the time and still am today.

My husband and I decided this was our sign to move from Minneapolis and head West to Las Vegas. My new husband's house hadn't sold in Las Vegas and his allergies were killing him in Minneapolis so a move was in order. June, 2009 we set out on our trek West and have landed in Las Vegas. After a week here, I realized that my purpose in life revolved around work, friends and church but not around God and what He wants for me to complete in my time here on earth. I had lost touch with the most important person in my life and focused on the least important things (money, job, etc.). As I was putting away my books, I came across the Pathway to Purpose for women book. A light went off in my head, this could hold the answer for me. What is my purpose? What does God want from me?

So I started reading. Chapter One says your pathway isn't always fast and easy, there will be times of boredom and dispair but if you have your ear ready to listen to God, He will use you when it's needed. Chapter One says this journey isn't a 5K, it's a marathon of events that will shape your life. There is a coach out there for you, His name is God and sometimes we need others to show us the lighted path and sometimes our hearts are ready for God to show us. Be open to hearing Him speak through others and by himself. Be available for God to show up and show off. Be open to learning and teaching. You aren't alone in your chaos, God and others are there to help you journey down your pathway to find your purpose, created by God.

Studies

I started this blog because I needed some accountability on two studies and my walk in faith. Come along if you want or if you find something that interests you. I may throw in a few movie reviews along the way but this blog is all about honoring our God. The Creator who gave me life, the good, the bad and the ugly and my faithfulness to all He provides. My goal is to bring my thoughts back on our Heavenly Father and keep my thoughts going in good places. Like that verse in Phillipians, whatever is good, think on these things. That is what I want and sometimes it takes some bad things to come out to continue to think about good things. Praising God through everything. So come along on this journey. I will be taking the 40 Day Commitment of The Love Dare and will be reading Pathway to Purpose for women. All will be God honoring and sharing along the way.

Peace and love to you!